Do your words tend to get the reaction you intend? Or do you often find that your well-meaning questions or comments rub others the wrong way, make them defensive, or lead to arguments where you wonder, “Why are we even talking about this?”
If so, you may want to pay closer attention to what you say. When someone mistakes your meaning, you may be tempted to roll your eyes and state, “Well that’s your problem; that’s not what I meant.” But ultimately, being misunderstood is a problem that’s in your best interest to correct.
How Misunderstandings Happen and How to Fix it with Mindful Language
Miscommunication tends to fall into three common patterns, each of which can lead to arguments, mistakes, and other negative outcomes. Here’s how to overcome them.
Loose Speech
Sometimes we may be a little imprecise with our words, piecing them together without much thought because we’re more focused on the general idea we’re trying to convey. And once we start down this conversational wrong road, we may add more words than needed to clarify and explain rather than take the time to choose the right ones. It’s almost like adding more sugar to a low-fat recipe to arrive at something palatable.
I’ll admit to falling into this pattern often. My mind thinks in terms of the big picture:
If I want to help my teenager stick with her schedule, I may shoot off something like: “It’s easy to lose discipline in the first year of college because there are so many distractions, and so I’m thinking I’ll check in on you every day.” When she reacts with “Did you call me undisciplined?” and I find myself explaining and justifying what I really meant, I so wish I’d simply said, “I can be your partner in helping you stay on top of your schedule.”
If you relate, a little planning can go a long way. Think of what you want to say and the best words to convey it. Then keep it short and concise; resist the urge to riff, be mindful. You can follow up with an example if there’s room for misinterpretation. And remember, you can always slow down to give yourself time to choose your words mindfully.
“Unsweet” Words
When I was little, I would spend a few weeks every summer visiting my grandparents. Most of my cousins would come and stay, too, and so my grandma would call one of her cousins to help watch over us. She was an older lady who loved to tell us stories and teach us the ways of the world.
“Your words should be like sugar,” she would often say and always embody. No wonder we loved listening to her!
I often think about her when I hear myself or others speak in ways that are less than sweet. For example, when someone thanks us, we may say “No problem” or “No worries” without a second thought. It seems to be a perfectly acceptable response, doesn’t it?
But is it sweet? Does it make the other person feel closer to us? Does it warm the heart?
What if, instead, we said “For sure, it was my pleasure” or “I loved doing that for you!”? Notice the difference? That’s the feeling we want to create—as Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
If this speaks to you, notice all the bland phrases you routinely say and try to make them sweeter. And be mindful of your body language, too—eye contact, a smile, and a touch, if appropriate, are all wonderful sweeteners.
Demeaning Language
Most of us refrain from putting others down in overt and conscious ways, like name-calling. But there are other forms of demeaning language that may be less obvious but just as damaging.
Micro insults, for example, are subtle snubs, sometimes said as a joke, that belittle others or find fault in what they did. If, for example, your colleague tells you they had a good presentation, and you respond with something like “Good thing no one noticed the mismatched slides,” you’ve diminished their joy and pride. You may not be aware of the snub, and they may pretend to laugh along or not be affected by it, but they will be hesitant to share their good news with you in the future.
Micro invalidations are even more common—it’s when we dismiss the other person’s efforts or ideas, either by speaking over them, needlessly correcting them, or shining the light on ourselves instead. Say your child tells you they’re working on a creative business idea to make some money on the side. Your response: “Auntie Carol’s daughter did something similar, and it didn’t work out.” They’ll learn to keep their plans to themself.
Micro invalidations can also show up as a disrespect of the other person’s feelings or boundaries. Forcing an answer on a topic they don’t want to engage in or asking questions about something that’s still raw for them is an invalidation of their inner world.
If you think you never use demeaning language, you’re not alone. People are generally resistant to recognizing it in themselves because we all like to believe we’re good people. And we are! Most times, we’re simply not aware of our speech patterns, their effect on others, and the importance of mindful language.
With self-compassion by your side, consider whether people like being around you. Do they appear energized and at ease or closed and defensive? Does the conversation flow both ways, or does it tend to hit a dead end?
If so, develop habits that make others feel seen, valued, and validated. Even something as simple as listening with empathy, acknowledging feelings with respect, practicing mindful language and celebrating their joys and successes with energy can create wonders in a relationship.
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A version of this article originally appeared on Happify.
